We talked about my past, which is not one of those moment
that rainbows and butterflies would go around. And I’m not proud of. Short story,
she knew what happened to me. And gratefully, she doesn't think any less of me,
at least she told me to it. And one thing let to another, I told her about
what situation I'm in.
It hits me hard when the truth comes out, I thought I was ready
to have these conversation but I guess I wasn't and then my sister swooped in
and tell me that I make a right decision to talk about it and I do really need
to wake up. I know, perhaps in these past 2 years I was unaware that I’m changing. After
everything that I've been through, I finally realize what happened to me. I
wasn't expecting this coming, maybe because I don’t really talk about it, until
my sister happened. She is like another the closest thing I had to a sister. I
don’t trust people after all hurricanes and stormed in college year. She knows
I build a high wall around me so I wouldn't get hurt anymore. But then I
realized, maybe I wasn't the one who gotten hurt but anybody else does. With all
action I've caused, which is not the old me version would do, and that was
really uncalled for, I come to terms that I was changed. Like really. And I feel
like I have 2 different identities. Maybe my best friend would call it,
Identity Crisis or something else. The one that I used when I was in college
life and the old me version when I was with my best friend, but I believe they felt that I was changed too. It makes me
sad to just to think about it. It wasn't easy for me to talk about it with
anybody. When I’m in college life, I feel like I don’t trust anybody, I can’t
talk about my feeling with others unless I feel really comfortable with them, actually I can’t really communicated, I can’t deal with anything, I only care about me but sometimes still when it comes to my best friend, I'd put them first, I don't have time to like/in love with anybody new/else because I'm busy with me and I can't handle any disappointment, I have issue
with thinking about what might happened so I don’t really plan on future that
much, and I’m easily running away from every one that actually cared about me.
I know. I am a mess. I hurt a lot of people, even though I do that because I
don’t want to get hurt, but here I am, feeling guilty, ashamed, and hurt. She told
me once or twice that we need to make peace within ourselves first then we can start
to figure it out what happen next. I want to be the old me again, when I was being
able to build a dream and bridge instead of wall, when I was the one who always
initiative to make a move to make a new friend, when I was the one who have
more courage and braver than the new me, when I still have a big passion even
people might knocked me down, when I wasn't afraid to unconditionally love
people even it might not get in returned, and when I was the one who really care
about anything and anyone. I feel a lot happier when I was in the past. I feel
happy when I thought about the old me. I’m still working on with accepting
people and build the old-better dream. I think I can do it. But I
still need time and space to do it. I need my best friends, sister, and family
to help me to be the new-old-better me version. I will get through this time. 2
years are more than enough. I need to forgive myself, get over it, and finally
moved on. So, thank you for a big and long talk, sist. I can’t thank you
enough. Hopefully when I wrote the next post, I’d find my passion and new
dream, and I can finally let love and people in, and not letting myself to hurt anybody including me.
so, thank you, mba Elis
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar